Did you ever notice how monogamy rhymes with monotony?

The first time I heard that was when the “Christian Troy” character on FX’s “Nip/Tuck” said it. That show has so many truly intriguing story lines about and around sex. I can’t get enough of it. It got me thinking and I had a long conversation with my girlfriend about it today. I suppose this will require some background. For all of my young sexual life, monogamy was nearly laughable to me. My Mother traveled 3 weeks out of the month until I was 12 and for many years, she had an agreement with my Father that he could see other women while she was gone. As most relationship agreements do, it changed over time and they found themselves at odds. After a short time, Mom moved down the hall and eventually, across town. Dad just kept doing what he had been and never could understand why Mom had gotten so upset over the whole issue. After all, they’d started the relationship with multiple partner encounters and she’d given him permission to see other women. So, what’s the problem? My male sexual role model had set the expectations that would shape many of my early decisions.

I was un-faithful to all of my girlfriends from age 12 to 24. Despite 7 long-term relationships that took up 11 of those 12 years, I had sex with around 150 women in that 12 year period. While I can’t say that I’m proud of that, it did provide a variety of sexual experiences and more than a few life lessons. All that I can say I’m proud of is that I learned from all of it. I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned.

1. The problem with being un-faithful isn’t as much the act itself, but much, much more the deceit and dishonesty involved in concealing it from the person you claim to at very least care about, if not “love”.

In my personal experience and those of my clients, the pain of discovering a lover, boyfriend, wife or even fuck buddy has been un-faithful is multiplied 100 fold if you lied to be able to commit the act or choose to lie afterwards in an attempt to conceal it. The greater your faith to concealing your actions, the more pain you will inflict on the person who feels wronged when they discover it.

2. The “Rules” are the RULES. I have never seen a non-monogamous relationship work that didn’t have its own rules. The rules can only be determined by the people in the relationship. Outside parties, ideas and concepts are good guidelines, but you cannot expect them to understand and adapt to the intricacies of your relationship. Rules change and evolve as people and relationships do. There are things that you can’t do tomorrow that you did together or apart yesterday.

Ignore, bend or break the rules at your own peril. Just as with any other type of relationship, there is betrayal and deceit in non-monogamous relationships too. Sometimes you just need to take a time out, sometimes you just need to adjust something and sometimes ignoring the rules that you helped create and agreed to can cost you a relationship that can be very difficult to replace.

3. Monogamy depends as much on the people involved and their individual sexual experience, drive and biological inclinations as their emotional commitment to their partner. Teenagers and the sexually inexperienced of all ages tend to be much more affected by cheating than those people who have built up either emotional muscle or programmed defense mechanisms for dealing with that type of pain through prior experience. People with a low self-esteem or poor self-image also tend to be much more affected because they’ll almost always blame a lack of something on their part for the partner’s choosing to have an affair. Very commonly heard is, “I guess I just wasn’t good enough for him?”, “What did he have that I didn’t?” or “If only I were more like her, I could win him back.” Infidelity rarely has anything to do with these things.

Older people and/or those with a lower sex drive have a much lower chance of ever having an affair because they’re just not biologically inclined. Typically, they’ll seek comfort and reliability over the risk and potential emotional highs that come with hot flings. There are exceptions to this.

4. There are many kinds of monogamy: Physical, emotional, spiritual, genetic and social…just to name a few.

Physical monogamy allows for people to feel varying levels of emotions for others outside their relationship, as long as they don’t act on it physically. An example of this would be a wife allowing her husband to masturbate to pornography or visit strip clubs, as long as he doesn’t have sex with other women.

Emotional monogamy restricts partners to loving or being committed to one person or multiple people while still allowing for physical contact outside that relationship. An example would be a husband who has agreed that his wife can have sex with other men or women; but only in the same room with him and only if she agrees to only have sex with these people, not to develop relationships with them.

Spiritual monogamy leaves the door open to sex, emotional involvement and all other forms of personal expression with other people outside a designated relationship, as long as those involved remain spiritually committed to those in the agreement. An example would be a polyamorous relationship involving one man and two women. All of the people in that relationship profess to love one another and agree to remain spiritually bonded, while still being free to do as they wish sexually and emotionally.

Genetic monogamy refers to a couple choosing to have and raise children together. It does not restrict sex or emotions in any way. An example would be a gay man choosing to impregnate a lesbian friend who wanted a child. Another example would be the relationship between Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Social monogamy refers to two people who live together, have sex with one another, and cooperate in acquiring basic resources such as food, clothes, and money. It restricts partners to sex only with designated person and typically restricts any kind of romantic or emotional feeling towards members of the opposite sex. This is what is most commonly referred to as simply, “monogamy” and is sometimes referred to as “Sexual Monogamy”. An example would be a Christian man and wife, forbidden from even thinking sexual thoughts of others, much less acting on flirtatious or even possibly sexual impulses.

As you can see, the choices are endless and the boundaries, limitless. You can choose to do as you will, so long as your partner agrees. The key here is that you must discuss those rules, boundaries, limitations or freedoms (as you choose to see it) with your partner and agree on them. Then you should discuss them occasionally as time goes on and change them as compromises permit. Situations, feelings and people DO change. What worked beautifully six months ago may not work today or it may work for twenty years, that’s up to you and yours.

As far as my girlfriend and I go, I think we’ve got it pretty well figured out. I’m free to see whoever I want when I travel and here at home, as long as I’m safe and don’t pursue other relationships. While I’m home, looking is fine, but we only touch together. Pretty wonderful agreement with an amazing woman. So we’ve got it worked out… Here’s hoping you do too.