Entangled in Ex Sex

Q: Omar in Nicaragua - I’m tangled up with two women, one is my current gf and the other is my ex. We see each other once in a while, she’s wilder than my current gf. Now the ex-gf says that I have to set things clear because she still loves me and cannot move on until things are clear. She feels I’m using her because she loves me and I’m only using her sexually. I’m not breaking up with my girlfriend, (who btw doesn’t know I’m still seeing my ex). I don’t know if I still have feelings for her or only miss her for her sexual drive. Both are beautiful, both treat me well, but the ex says she’ll never change. She’s the kind that goes through my things, cell phone inspections, computer inspections, etc. I think I love the new gf but she’s not the same sexually speaking. However she’s more easy going, not jealous and more mature. What should I do?

Ok, so let me get this straight. You’ve got a current girlfriend who you say that you love and compliment as being “easy going, not jealous and more mature” than your ex. But you say that she doesn’t please you sexually. Your girlfriend doesn’t know that you’re still having sex with your “sexually-superior” ex-girlfriend, who is an ex because she goes through your personal things and presumably for other reasons.

If you’re not going to break up with your current girlfriend and you’re not in an open relationship, continuing to have sex with your ex is a major mistake. She will find out the hard way and when she does, you’ll have hurt someone you claim to love. It also sounds like you left your ex for some good reasons. Other than the sex, you don’t mention any other redeeming characteristics or interest in her.
First, stop cheating on your girlfriend. “Cheating” isn’t a term that I use often because I just plain don’t like it. But, it is what you’re doing. If you love your girlfriend and you’re in a monogamous relationship, respect that. Be honest with her and accept the consequences of what you’ve done. Hopefully, she’ll be forgiving and your relationship will grow stronger for your honesty.

As far as your ex-girlfriend goes, know that sex can be magnificent with somebody who’s just plain not good for you. I’ve been there. Her behavior indicates some deep-seeded insecurity, which is generally where that kind of jealousy comes from. If it didn’t work the first time, chances are it won’t this time either. Cut your losses and cut her loose.

You have an opportunity here with your current girlfriend to mold her sexually. That may sound chauvinistic to some, but it is really a chance for the both of you to be better, together. You have to be very, very careful about how you do this. I’d suggest waiting until after things have settled down. It’s ok to mention during that conversation that your ex was more open sexually than she currently is. While that may sting a bit in the moment, it will leave her open to exploring more later. Reassure her that you want to work on that area of your relationship because other areas are so strong that you believe the work and she are worth it. Whether this is successful will lie completely with how well you approach it. Good luck.

If she is both forgiving and open to suggestions for improving your sex life, good for you both. This is no time for ego or to put on your teacher’s cap. She may take that as arrogance or worse, as an insult that she doesn,t know enough. Just sit back and let the experts do the work. Take a look at the many options available to you. These DVDs and the toys, clothes, games, books and other indulgences here will be a lot of help to you.

If you can,t find what you need to invigorate your sex life with her there, you may want to consider some time alone, concentrating on yourself. Maybe what you’re looking for isn’t in a partner, maybe it’s in you.